Seganti

Goodbye Anaheim (Taken with instagram)

Ive been so absent. But something struck a chord and i couldnt stop thinking of the people of my past. 

I find myself still thinking im invincible. Thinking nothing phases me and that with the right mind I can conquer anything that comes in my way. But then I remember, I have emotions. A variety of different ones that you sometimes just have to succumb to and figure out what they really mean.

My past relationships arent special. If they were I would still be in one and this post may not have existed. In the end though they were relationships. Its hard for me to consider a relationship a label. When i get into a relationship I just assume it is going to be successful. That it is a given, the hard part was just getting into one and now we are home free. I know this is wrong and naive but you dont normally go into a relationship thinking its going to fail. That is even more naive.

Now i understand it is a test. On both myself and the person I am with. Just like any test it is a hard one, So i need the best candidate to take this test with me. I need someone who can give me the motivation to answer the next question, someone who can tell me i wrote the wrong answer, someone who participates and answers the same amount of questions, someone who is prepared, and of course someone who actually wants to take the test. Now that I think of relationships like this it narrows my choices down. But thats the beauty. This isnt a game, its serious and I want to learn about myself. I want to understand how my mind works on another level. To feel love at a higher state i havent felt before. Say that I didnt waste my time. It is suppose to be a grand experience and i think its only possible to get there with two people. I have not yet reached it but….

I was able to learn from my past relationships, metaphorically speaking we never finished the test. i was upset and sad that we only got half way, or even less. I may be young but I’m not getting younger. I will never forget my past, their eraser marks to answers are still there. but ive had to revise and replan and move forward and hopefully everything works out. It may be selfish but sometimes in life you have to be. Dont settle ever because youre better than that. 

And to think all of this just only because my candle went out.

Bah. So gorgeous

I was watching my guilty pleasure of “Bad Girls Club” it was the reunion and it was what i expected. Numerous girls screaming on how they are on top of everyone else. I watched and got tired and went upstairs for bed. I could still hear the television faintly, but i managed to hear Perez Hilton comment on how one of the girls is uncomfortable with lesbians. She has lesbian friends, but does not see what the Hoot or in this case the Purr is all about.

I knocked out right after, but i was thinking as i smoked with my dog…..

When it comes to the argument, is being gay a sociological issue of choice or a biological issue of genetics? 

Being gay is by no means a joy ride. If there was truly a day, sometime around 18 i would assume, that i was to choose to be gay and i knew what i was getting myself into, i would have easily just left and became an introvert for the rest of my life. Being gay or straight is just a way to live life, and in my eyes life is hard. no innuendo, just simply difficult. 

Logically speaking, no one would choose a difficult life, it is not in our nature to have a strong motivation to do difficult things unless the positive outweighs the negative. Saying that homosexuality is a choice is also saying that heterosexuality is a choice as well. Because if i can easily make the choice to be gay within a day, as i have been accused of, then i can easily go back. Im just much too busy being “rebellious and destructive”

 But i am just living life. the word gay has a sour taste. i know so because ive seen the faces of some people who say it. they say it with curious eyes or repulsed looks. I know that the gay lifestyle has become more widely accepted and is at least acknowledged. But I also know that with this new acknowledgment there are more that look down upon it. The word gay is used more often as a term to categorize as a stereotype, rather than identify as a lifestyle.

It had me thinking even more, imagine the day where now when we use gay we dont have a subconscious definition of it: crazy, scandalous, rebellious, and etc. but its accepted as a genetic issue/lifestyle, where an individual is gay and thats the end of story. There are no ifs, ands, or buts. I am even guilty of this. I know this because when i find out a celebrity is gay i flail with excitement and disbelief. because celebrities are our social gods, we hold them in great light and we dont expect them to be gay right away. We assume they are straight first and we get the details later. As if a gay celebrity is weird, which in fact many people see it as weird.

Is this my subconscious simply correlating the heterosexual life with a perfect life? I was in shock. I felt i just betrayed all my gays, but it wasnt that at all. we just live in a life where being gay is still in the middle of becoming recognized as something more of a choice. we are getting through a slow, yet moving revolution where being gay is receiving social merit. 

we are and will be the next social revolution in the united states, Slavery/Racism, Women Rights, etc. We seek normalcy as a standard not as a luxury. This is at least how i see or would like to be seen. Just another human being, living and feeling, learning and growing, and i just so happen to like guys.

So what? Who cares? and then we go on our way.

P.S. I hope you liked my “Sex in the City” reference

My room mate told me he had an epiphany this morning. He told me he remembers he doesn’t have work this entire weekend and is looking forward to it. I explained to him that remembering something is not an epiphany, its just simply remembering. Then i sighed because i was looking forward to a good story that makes you realize something glorious. 

I haven’t had an epiphany for a while now. Not like its easy to get or if there is even a true way of having one. Its random and sudden for the most part, but if i could buy it on ebay or amazon i probably would, once every month to be exact. 

But i am very busy and that is probably the primary reason that i haven’t been taking time for myself and just thinking. its a pastime that i miss and i try to do but it always seems to slip away due to the countless hours of multi-tasking. I have noticed recently that my job(s) have been taking up most of my mental energy. if im not working im thinking about work or im thinking about what i have to do when i get home, if the bills are paid, if everyone is doing their part at the house. Don’t get me wrong, i honestly love my job, and i love being able to get things done. But at the price of not having epiphanies or even time to reflect, i say Nein. which is german for No <3

I once said in an earlier post that as humans, to live is to feel. its natural for us to feel emotions and without them we wouldn’t be able to fully experience the ups and downs of life. It is our natural duty to ourselves and the people around us to know what failure feels like, so that we know what success is. So that when we experience heartbreak, we know the feeling of being alone, abandoned, and lost. Only so when we find that next someone we appreciate even more the feeling of happiness, warmth, and perhaps love. Without feeling, I myself find it hard to be able to grow as a person. We would be stagnant water where dirty mosquitos can lay their offspring in.

It metaphorically and literally is a sad sight. And i refuse to be that pond in my backyard. That is my epiphany

 

I advise that anyone who enjoys writing for pure pleasure go to the website oneword.com

It is a simple website, it shows you one word and you have 60 seconds to write about it. It to me is genius. Only because it is so simple. Now don’t think that im getting paid for this and I in some way am going to get paid under the table by the CEO of oneword. I just simply advise it. Its that simple, just like One Word. and todays word was Icicle.

As i wrote about it my passage got a little deeper than it should have. After when you submit it you can look at the other passages other people in the world have written. Some are interesting, and then there are some that are just plain stupid and elementary, and something inside you lets out a sigh of disbelief. I am not saying im intellectually superior than everyone. But as a website that allows you to write anything you want about a single word…i would expect something more than just the the words “drip drip drip”

Gooooodmorning <3

Beautiful

It took 20 years and some odd months for a single human to suddenly realize the love his mother has had for him. It was just a normal day, a day off of work and sunny. The day went by with normal task and television, but the only difference this day had than any other day was I had a dream. Not just any dream, its the first dream I have ever had of my mother. The first time I vividly saw her while I wasn’t in San Diego. The dream to me is blurry, but all I can remember is that she needed my help and she called my name out. But I was unable to help her, and a sudden void filled my entire body, as if I lost her. The rest of my dream was my dreading the fact that she was no longer here, that those random goodnight text messages would no longer be waiting for me, that she became a memory. A story to tell but to never experience. 

Despite this dream, I continued with my day. But before my insomnia finally was letting go and I was about to fall asleep I decided to text her. Just to let her know how much I did miss her. 

You see, my mom and I have had an odd relationship. She had me at the prime age of 16. Despite what ever she wants to tell me I know for a fact that I was not planned. I don’t think many, if any, 16 year olds leave their U.S. history class and say

“By GOD I am going to have child before I get my High-school diploma, just think where it will get me”

She decided to raise me. Before you get any idea’s, I have to claim as a fact that my mom is nothing like the girls on “16 and pregnant” to begin with, she broke up with my biological father right away, she finished high-school, and went straight to work in real estate. All of this to raise a human being she never met, Me. She didnt know what I was going to be like, she didn’t know what it would be like to have a kid. All she really knew is that whatever happens, this child will be her life, her love, and her world. It wouldn’t be any other way, there was no pre-judgement. Just pure faith and love.

And she did exactly that. She raised me and helped me become the person I am today. We have definitely had our “ups and downs”. I have left the house, I have yelled at her, I have cried about her, I have neglected the fact she was my mother, I have at times put her second instead of first. I can say I love her with all my heart despite everything that has happened. But one cannot truly love another person until they understand or appreciate how much love that person has for them.

I don’t know why, and I wish I could tell everyone how. But today April 4th 2011 was the day that where it feels like all this randomly life reflecting has paid off in some way, because as I sent that text message at 3am I got a reply that told me

“Love you mucho always babe. Big hugs!!!!! mis you so much too <3 xoxoxoxoxxox”

I have no idea why but I was tearing up when I read it, but that wasn’t all

“Be good. Be safe. Be smart. You are my only valuable to live for. Take care of you for me baby. I’m always here for youi.”

It was right then and there that all my tears came out, that my breathing stopped and I was filled with so much emotion I had to leave the house. I know it sounds corny but when it comes down to it, I just realized how much my mom really loves me. how hard she has worked for everything that i am today. That I AM the one and only thing that keeps her going, the thing that makes her wake everyday and smile, when everything doesn’t seem to work out for her I am the thing she can think about and smile, I am the thing that she brags about, I am the one she wants to see and spend time with, I am the person she has undying love for.

I was so overwhelmed, she knows i can do so much and shes there for every step. She is living for my well being, for my success, for me. How could it take me so long to realize? we all know our parents love us but it really is to the extent of love is greater than death. 

Alas, I type this entire thing practically balling my eyes out. It is some unfathomable thing I can describe, that I can write for ages. But when it all gets boiled down, it comes to the simple message

I truly love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul. I cannot thank you enough for bringing me life, but also raising me the way you did. The fact you love me through anything is enough to cry about. But you did more, you live and love for me, it is reassuring because I, with so much confidence, will make you proud. Because I love and respect you that much. I am sorry for everything I put you through, I am sorry I haven’t been there for everything. But I am glad we got through it. I know no matter what you and I will get through everything. Because every night at least we both know we have each other and our undying love.